So many things are going to be changing for me soon.
1. I move next weekend!! Just down the street from where I live now. However, due to the awkward situation of my parking lot, I feel as though I will be moving to a new neighborhood. (atleast I hope that is how I will feel!) Sometimes I get really excited about being able to decorate a new space, put up new pictures and decorations, and make a mark somewhere else. But then I get down on how comfortable my current apartment is right now, how many awesome parties have been held there, and just all the memories that I have here. I will most likely be a ball of emotions the day I move, but I know that I am moving for the better! And for my sanity...
2. I'm graduating in sixteen days?? I can't believe that is real. I can't believe I did it in four years? I cannot wait to have some time off school readings and scheduled class times. The last year at OSU has definetly been the best for me. D.C obviously topped it off, but so have the classes I've been taking. Mostly Latin American Politics.
I love the questions I get everyday about my future such as: what's next in life? what can you even do with a political science degree? are you going to work at a bank? It dissapoints me that society has no hope in political science majors! I can proudly say that no, I do not have a job lined up. And no, I am not going to graduate school next year. But I am going to go on a "personal journey" and yes, I will eventually go to grad school. And I have never doubted the passion I have for international politics, and I know that my drive will lead me to a career some day. But I am in no rush. I have all these crazy ideas for the year I will have to myself. I hope I can save enough money to go to South America for two months. I really want to go to Putumayo in Colombia, and to spend time in Bolivia with indigenous populations. I am hoping I can eventually write my dissertaion on those populations. I haven't told too many people, but if all goes as planned, I will be going into the Peace Corps a year and a few months from now. It doesn't seem real considering a lot can happen in a year, and I have natural fright of being away for such an extended period of time. I need to suck it up, and remember that this is an opportunity that I have always wanted to take advantage of and it is only going to accelerate my future... and not to mention give me an irreplaceable connection to an unfamiliar community.
Graduation weekend is going to be ridiculously stressful for me because my whole family is coming into town. I am totally excited to see them but I know it is going to be overwhelming, and I am positive my mom and I are going to get in no less then ten fights over miniscule things that weekend.
3. This is my hope of cutting off all connection, or as much connection as I can with my past relationship. I won't lie that I have been holding unnecessary hopes for the past month and a half. The first two weeks were smooth sailing for me, and then everything became dreary and I truly felt alone for the first time in years. I've recently made the attempt of dealing with our close living quarters, and just suck it up and be his friend. I've found that this isn't possible. After every nice, meaningful, somewhat cute comment said to me, I create things in my head that could be the future... that never will be.
When we are around each other it is still tense. We still look at one another the way we used to, and we still have the same "what's yours is mine" mentality as people have in relationships. But along with those feelings I can tell you are doing everything you can to push the emotion out and convince yourself that you couldn't ever make me happy enough, so the logic of giving up seems a lot better than the logic of trying to improve yourself as a person. If logic is better to you then emotion then please avoid reminding me of things that once connected us and made us closer and made us as happy as we once were. Forget all of those things and don't text me to remind me.
I need to pull away from those situations even if it means having to temporarily cut off friendships. It's hard to not wish in that fairytale that "I can change him." I have to face that I can't change anyone. No matter how connected we were, and how many memories we have, I can only be an influence. I still question my strength in the relationship and if I gave up too soon. But I need to remind myself that I am worth more then I was recieving.
I'm becoming more comfortable with the idea of being alone, taking gadvantage of this time to myself, meeting new people in a non-love sort of way, but a simple friendship/deep connection way. I am hoping for so many exciting things this summer, and I will hopefully slowly mend my heart throughout this time. I still lay in bed at night and in the morning wishing the spot next to me weren't empty. But my goal this summer is to learn to embrace that emptiness. I still have a lot of work to do.
Friday, May 29, 2009
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