You still make my heart hurt.

Just went through my old posts and realized I am no where near as sad as it appears!
Today I start my new job!
My birthday is in one week!
I leave for California and Vegas for a magical journey with Dave and Jenna in a week in 5 days!
YAAAAAAAAAAY.

I'm lame.

This week I worked close to fifty hours. Both of my parents are in South America, and although I support myself minus my cell phone bill, I still like knowing that I can ask my dad for some support if I am feeling a bit squeezed. I haven't had that option and therefore have been absolutely terrified about money. I have JUST enough for rent and this next week I am going to be living off very minimal money. Since I start my new job tomorrow I have to wait for a paycheck and won't be making cash at Bravo this week. I'm pretty nervous. I think I'm going to have to reach to alternate ways of making money like selling clothes, plasma, my body.

My feelings have been so conflicted lately. And last night my feelings became even more so conflicted. I don't particularly know what Arvind was trying to pull with his shananigans. Even though he was past a healthy drunk point, things were said, and my mind got to thinking. I've put myself in weird situations with many people lately. I haven't felt close to much of anyone.

My birthday is next week and I feel like it isn't going to be all that exicitng. Which is fine. I just wish I had something to look forward to.

I can't wait for my mom to come home. These times are when I appreciate my family the most. And these are the times I just want to pack up and do the things I say I want to (join the peace corps, travel south america, etc.). Maybe I really will in a few months.

One day I will make a happy post, but lately I just have weird feelings and unsettling thoughs.

I'm sick of you making me sad.
and acting one way in public.
and a different way when we're apart from eachother.
you broke my heart and your breaking it all over again.
There is something between us, and I hold unfortunate hopes in these dumb actions we show one another.
I've had my distractions but nothing has been enough. I need to learn to be content alone.

2009 sucks so far.

weird.

Will these weird feelings ever go away? Really great always turns into really weird for me.
I've had a headache/anxious brain for two straight days now and it is really wearing on me.
Vacation, please.

runs house and random thoughts.

Why is this show so entertaining to me? It is probablly really boring for most people, but it entertains me way too much.

I just ran 3 miles after work. I could be the most angry, unhappy, dissatisfied person ever and running would make me feel better for atleast ten hours.

I drank two cups of black coffee this morning on an empty stomach and got oddly anxious and nervous. That feeling is hard to describe, but I absolutely hate it.

I'm horribly sick of being at work constantly... and on top of that, just not making a whole lot of money in the past week. A waste of time and energy and even worse, just knowing friends are out having a blast. While I'm being terribly undertipped and getting one table in three hours.

I'm at my mom's keeping her company since she is a lonely bird and she just called me out for something I can't control. Despite how much I love my mother, being around someone who is so dependent on me is eternally frustrating.

I wish my goal of reading thirty books this summer, turning into a crafty girl, and spending less money was coming true?

Still happy despite a weird feeling sort of day.

pund cake

Pound cake is really great. It is even better with coffee, and that is currently how I am enjoying my pound cake. While watching soccer. How ethnic of me.

Thus far, this summer has been awesome. And only more exciting things are going to happen.
(a) comfest this weekend!
(b) Jenna's birthday week
(c) Brasil or South Africa vs. the U.S. this Sunday. Yeah, I am excited about it whatevs.
(d) More bike rides
(e) July 4th?? Maybe?? What is even happening that weekend? Atleast Get Right is on Friday that will make for a good start to the weekend.
(f) Colombia's independence day is July 20th which means loud Colombians, abundance of food, and lots of dancing.
(g) Jenna and I'd musch deserved vacation to visit DAVE!! and being super plush in Vegas for two days courtesy of my brother in law's badass job. I think Jenna and I are staying at the Monte Carlo, if not the Bellagio. And it WILL be like the Hangover.
(h) Lollapalooza!!! which better work out.
(j) obviously, my birthday.
I am done making this list.
I haven't felt so giddy in years. And I've never felt so appreciated and am realizing how important the little things are. I'm a happy girl.

Today is a big day for me.
Why do I care that you're not going to be a part of it?

New Beginnings

So many things are going to be changing for me soon.
1. I move next weekend!! Just down the street from where I live now. However, due to the awkward situation of my parking lot, I feel as though I will be moving to a new neighborhood. (atleast I hope that is how I will feel!) Sometimes I get really excited about being able to decorate a new space, put up new pictures and decorations, and make a mark somewhere else. But then I get down on how comfortable my current apartment is right now, how many awesome parties have been held there, and just all the memories that I have here. I will most likely be a ball of emotions the day I move, but I know that I am moving for the better! And for my sanity...

2. I'm graduating in sixteen days?? I can't believe that is real. I can't believe I did it in four years? I cannot wait to have some time off school readings and scheduled class times. The last year at OSU has definetly been the best for me. D.C obviously topped it off, but so have the classes I've been taking. Mostly Latin American Politics.
I love the questions I get everyday about my future such as: what's next in life? what can you even do with a political science degree? are you going to work at a bank? It dissapoints me that society has no hope in political science majors! I can proudly say that no, I do not have a job lined up. And no, I am not going to graduate school next year. But I am going to go on a "personal journey" and yes, I will eventually go to grad school. And I have never doubted the passion I have for international politics, and I know that my drive will lead me to a career some day. But I am in no rush. I have all these crazy ideas for the year I will have to myself. I hope I can save enough money to go to South America for two months. I really want to go to Putumayo in Colombia, and to spend time in Bolivia with indigenous populations. I am hoping I can eventually write my dissertaion on those populations. I haven't told too many people, but if all goes as planned, I will be going into the Peace Corps a year and a few months from now. It doesn't seem real considering a lot can happen in a year, and I have natural fright of being away for such an extended period of time. I need to suck it up, and remember that this is an opportunity that I have always wanted to take advantage of and it is only going to accelerate my future... and not to mention give me an irreplaceable connection to an unfamiliar community.

Graduation weekend is going to be ridiculously stressful for me because my whole family is coming into town. I am totally excited to see them but I know it is going to be overwhelming, and I am positive my mom and I are going to get in no less then ten fights over miniscule things that weekend.

3. This is my hope of cutting off all connection, or as much connection as I can with my past relationship. I won't lie that I have been holding unnecessary hopes for the past month and a half. The first two weeks were smooth sailing for me, and then everything became dreary and I truly felt alone for the first time in years. I've recently made the attempt of dealing with our close living quarters, and just suck it up and be his friend. I've found that this isn't possible. After every nice, meaningful, somewhat cute comment said to me, I create things in my head that could be the future... that never will be.
When we are around each other it is still tense. We still look at one another the way we used to, and we still have the same "what's yours is mine" mentality as people have in relationships. But along with those feelings I can tell you are doing everything you can to push the emotion out and convince yourself that you couldn't ever make me happy enough, so the logic of giving up seems a lot better than the logic of trying to improve yourself as a person. If logic is better to you then emotion then please avoid reminding me of things that once connected us and made us closer and made us as happy as we once were. Forget all of those things and don't text me to remind me.
I need to pull away from those situations even if it means having to temporarily cut off friendships. It's hard to not wish in that fairytale that "I can change him." I have to face that I can't change anyone. No matter how connected we were, and how many memories we have, I can only be an influence. I still question my strength in the relationship and if I gave up too soon. But I need to remind myself that I am worth more then I was recieving.
I'm becoming more comfortable with the idea of being alone, taking gadvantage of this time to myself, meeting new people in a non-love sort of way, but a simple friendship/deep connection way. I am hoping for so many exciting things this summer, and I will hopefully slowly mend my heart throughout this time. I still lay in bed at night and in the morning wishing the spot next to me weren't empty. But my goal this summer is to learn to embrace that emptiness. I still have a lot of work to do.

weird feelings.
still lonely.
fat weekend.
unproductive.
drunk.
fun.
colombian love ballads.
new apartment?
totally ready for a new apartment.
totally ready to not be a stalker anymore.
totally ready to graduate.
south america trip plz.
lack creativity.
where to find it?
i need to go to bed.

I have a problem with being alone.
Not alone in my house or alone at the mall or alone at the gym or alone walking somewhere.
Alone in terms of companionship and having the comfort of simply knowing you were always there.
I keep trying to find ways to entertain myself but most of the time it doesn't work.
I don't feel creative, motivated, or driven whatsoever. I've been blankly staring at my notecards and notebook for the past two hours and can safely say that these two hours have been completely wasted.
I never knew how dependent I have been on someone else for the past six years. I thought I was stronger and more independent then most people I know. This situation has proven me wrong.

Projects.

I always say I want to do diy projects at home, but these thoughts never seem to be executed...

I want to make a headboard like so! I need a wall like so first.Yes, please! I want to make these.
I want a cute place like this to sit in and feel extremely organized.
How fun! I want to make one of these.

My computer is close to overheating and turning off so I have to stop here.

Starvin Arvind

My boyfriend, Arvind is someone all can admire. Beginning this past Monday, him and seven other students from around the country began a fast for the atrocities that have recently taken place against innocent Tamil civilians in Sri Lanka.
Honestly, when he first told me about it I thought he was out of his mind. However, these past five days he has been patiently resisting all temptations of food for his beliefs and to speak out for the people of his parents' country, and I have only grown to love him and admire him more after these five days. All eight of them have work, school, and other daily tasks they must take care of, and are somewhat impeding their lives for a chance to reach out to those unaware and uninformed about the situation.
You should visit http://www.pearlaction.org/fast/ to find out more about the other seven who are taking a part of this fast, and maybe skip a salad or sammich just once or twice for them!
Also, I know everyone loves M.I.A who is from Sri Lanka. She recently spoke up about the genocide:

January 21, 2009
War at what Cost?
Posted: 04:59 PM ET
An elderly Sri Lankan man sits under posters on a street in Colombo on January 4, 2009, featuring an image of Sri Lankan President Mahinda Rajapakse and hailing the military's capture of the Tamil Tiger political headquarters.
An elderly Sri Lankan man sits under posters on a street in Colombo on January 4, 2009, featuring an image of Sri Lankan President Mahinda Rajapakse and hailing the military's capture of the Tamil Tiger political headquarters.


M.I.A.
Musician

While there is no room in the world for terrorist organizations, their defeat cannot come at the expense of thousands of innocent civilian lives.

The greatest failing of the Bush administration’s “war on terror” is not its inability to meet its prime objectives (e.g. capturing Osama Bin Laden, eradicating the threat of WMDS in Iraq, and removing Al Qaeda from Afghanistan). Rather, it is that America has given credibility to the act and the notion of pursuing terrorists at all costs.

The Bush administration has decided to ignore the very tenets of democracy (the U.S. constitution, Geneva convention, among others) in pursuit of winning the “war on terror.” In doing so, it sent a very clear message to the rest of the world: all bets are off where terrorism is involved.

Today, we can clearly see the ripple effect. In Sri Lanka, my home country, the Colombo government has massacred hundreds of thousands of civilians in order to eliminate the threat posed by a small yet defiant group widely known as the Tamil Tigers (also known as the LTTE or Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam). Make no mistake, the LTTE have engaged in reprehensible terrorist activities that have needlessly taken the lives of both civilians and heads of state. The LTTE’s use of child soldiers and suicide bombers is unconscionable, and has rightly been condemned by the international community. But now the eyeglass must turn to the Colombo government as the conflict enters its 25th year. The war has resulted in what many humanitarian groups are now calling genocide. And sadly, for the Tamil people, time is running out.

Just last month, the New York-based Genocide Prevention Project released a report that listed Sri Lanka among the top eight “red alert” countries currently experiencing genocide conflicts. And Human Rights Watch estimates that between 230,000 to 300,000 Tamil people have been trapped in the Vanni conflict zone by the government, denied food and basic living essentials.

Unfortunately, the truth of the matter is that no one knows how severe the crisis is because the Sri Lankan government has barred foreign media from reporting on the subject and severely limited the presence of humanitarian organizations. And worse, as demonstrated by the recent murder of Lasantha Wickramatunga, a Sri Lankan journalist critical of the war against the LTTE, those that question the government are putting their lives in jeopardy.

Yet other than the UN’s slap-on-the-wrist gesture of stripping Sri Lanka of its seat on the Human Rights Council in May of 2008, the World has remained silent about this emerging humanitarian crisis. What is even more disconcerting is that the global mainstream media has largely ignored the Tamil civilian causalities, and has actually praised the Sri Lankan government for “running an effective military campaign.” Additionally, somewhere along the way the media has managed to portray every Tamil as a Tamil Tiger, including myself.

Fortunately, this month brings a close to the Bush administration and its war on terror at all costs. President Barack Obama announced that he will issue an executive order on his first week in office to close the Guantanamo Bay prison facility – which has long become a symbol of the administration’s indifference to how it wins this war. But for the Tamil people in Sri Lanka, there is little hope that the Colombo government will change its policies.

We must be clear: acts of terrorism are deplorable and cannot be tolerated by any government, but to actively seek out the killing of innocent civilians, under the guise of fighting terror is absolutely indefensible. Governments must hold themselves to a higher standard.

Editor’s Note: Maya Arulpragasam (known as M.I.A.) is a music artist whose song “Paper Planes” received a 2009 Grammy nomination for Record of the Year. She was born in England to Tamil parents and fled the war in Sri Lanka after living there for ten years. She currently lives in the United States.
Credit: http://ac360.blogs.cnn.com/2009/01/21/war-at-what-cost/